{"id":676,"date":"2014-10-11T23:48:18","date_gmt":"2014-10-12T03:48:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/typingmonkeys.com\/blog\/?p=676"},"modified":"2023-04-28T13:47:27","modified_gmt":"2023-04-28T17:47:27","slug":"so-theres-that-day-19-not-so-good","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/typingmonkeys.com\/blog\/so-theres-that-day-19-not-so-good\/","title":{"rendered":"So There’s That, Day 19: Not So Good"},"content":{"rendered":"

So There\u2019s That: Adventures in Transgendering chronicled my transition in 2014. One hopes the gentle readers will forgive any awkward or anachronistic language within.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/em><\/p>\n

I catch my train back to BWI in the late afternoon and arrange to meet with my oldest for a weekend home from college. It\u2019s been over a month since I dropped him off for his sophomore year at Goucher College, and it\u2019s great to see him again.<\/p>\n

I was hoping to get home before sharing my news, but patience has never been my forte, so we drop our bags off in my car at the parking garage, and I tell him I have some things I need to talk to him about.<\/p>\n

Now let me preface this by saying that my oldest son is the one person I was\u00a0sure\u00a0<\/i>would be okay with all of this. He is a terrific kid. Very empathic and always there to give someone a hug when they are the least bit down.<\/p>\n

You might see where this is going. And you\u2019d think by now I would have learned my lesson on setting expectations. But no, that\u2019s not how I roll.<\/p>\n

I start pacing and tell him first about my move to NYC. All good.<\/p>\n

Then I tell him about hiding my stuttering for 25 years. Again, all good.<\/p>\n

Then I tell him I\u2019m transgender. Aaaaaand\u2026 not so good.<\/p>\n

I am really caught off guard. This is not at all what I was expecting. And I start to get a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.<\/p>\n

But I put on a brave face and tell him that he needs to react how ever he feels. We all have visceral reactions to things in life. This isn\u2019t a time to pretend and tell me what I want to hear. This impacts him. This impacts our relationship. This impacts his life. Be honest. It\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n

Well, he tells me, I have a few trans friends at Goucher and I\u2019m just not comfortable around them.<\/p>\n

Good, good. Don\u2019t hold back.<\/p>\n

I try to explain that it\u2019s not like\u00a0Tootsie.<\/i>\u00a0That girl mode entails things like yoga pants, long skirts, clogs. Nothing outrageous. He doesn\u2019t\u00a0need\u00a0<\/i>to see me in girl mode. I\u2019m still mostly in boy mode anyway, etc, etc. etc.<\/p>\n

By now, we\u2019ve been in the garage for a while, and I realize we should probably be driving home. We continue our conversation in the car, but this is not going at all how I had envisioned.<\/p>\n

That said, I genuinely appreciate his honesty. And I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll come around. Right?<\/p>\n

Empathy. Hugs. Just give it time.<\/p>\n

We make a pit stop at the mall on the way home because the padding on my glasses broke off earlier in the day. We walk by a slew of women\u2019s clothing stores, and I point out blouses and leggings that I might wear \u2014 again, nothing too showy. Nothing too age inappropriate.<\/p>\n

He seems to start to get it, but there\u2019s still a palpable distance between us.<\/p>\n

We finally get home in time to pick up my youngest from work at the movie theater, and after a late dinner and an episode of Doctor Who, I find myself absolutely exhausted and emotionally spent. I tell the boys I\u2019m beat, and head up to my bedroom, explaining they should spend some time catching up. Sibling-to-sibling time. And that gives me go-upstairs-and-try-not-to-lose-it time.<\/p>\n

I close the door of my bedroom behind me and tell myself, hold it together. Give him time. And for god\u2019s sake, get some sleep.<\/p>\n

I crawl into bed, close my eyes and wait to see what tomorrow will bring.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So There\u2019s That: Adventures in Transgendering chronicled my transition in 2014. One hopes the gentle readers will forgive any awkward or anachronistic language within. \u2014 I catch my train back to BWI in the late afternoon and arrange to meet with my oldest for a weekend home from college. It\u2019s been over a month since […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-676","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-so-theres-that"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t